The moment I learned that I was pregnant it seemed to me that the most sane thing to do was at least cry… and deny.
The crying and denying led to so many thoughts. Aside from the fact that I was not yet married, I’ve gotten all my plans lined up for the days and years to come. No, having a baby was not, in any angle, part of the plan. But there I was, standing inside a restroom with my friend, Jazy Ann, holding three sticks of pregnancy test kit – all with two red marks and telling me to my face that – yes, I was pregnant.
Again, I cried and started sorting my options. Should I go on with this pregnancy, try to deal with the schadenfreude (German for the happiness of the misfortune of others) and face the judgment of the people around me? My parents are so gonna kill me the moment they learned that I got a baby inside my tummy.
I also had another option. Abortion. Yes, I’d be a total baloney if I wouldn’t admit that I considered aborting my baby despite the knowledge that the act is illegal. I thought that if I’d go with this choice, I can go on with my life and work out the plans I’ve lined up like nothing happened and my parents don’t need to find out.
But the moment I heard the heartbeat of my baby, I felt the world telling me that there is nothing in this world that I couldn’t take on for my little angel. To hell with the judgments and the fear of schadenfreude, as Madonna’s song goes, “I’ve made up y mind, I’m keeping my baby.” Fortunately though, with that decision came the realization that my parents are not gonna kill me, after all. They may feel disheartened but, no, they won’t kill me.
And so the rest is history or shall I say herstory. Along with the struggle of embracing my pregnancy, came the decision to marry. Like most of the pregnant mommas, I also had occasional tantrums, worries, and depression. There are times when I would worry how I will send my child to school. Hubby would laugh and tell me that baby won’t go to school right after she’s out so it’s not really an immediate worry. At times, I would rant about being left home on a Friday night out which I was so used to and I would crave for a frozen margarita or mojito. There was even a time when I really sipped frozen margarita when my tummy was five months and felt total guilt afterwards. But, oh well, everyone told me that those brattenelli mode for pregnant women are totally normal and understandable. I kinda like it, though. Last November 2009, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I felt a certain connection to mothers… it’s an unexplainably wonderful feeling despite the pain felt after grueling hours of labor.
So what am I saying? Well, I am saying that this is the choice that I made for myself. I had told myself then that I was never ready for anything as burdensome as pregnancy and then later, a baby. But as hubby’s friend, Generalph, had said, no one in this world is ready. We take things as they come and then we surprise ourselves that we have taken on something we’re not prepared for rather graciously. I cannot judge those who decided to abort their pregnancy; I am not on the right track. No one is. But I am hoping that perhaps I can convince those who are in doubt of pursuing their pregnancy to go on with it because although it would at first seem to be a curse – pregnancy and a baby will eventually turn out to be one of life’s biggest blessings.
